My Favorite Arguments on Facebook, Analyzed

This is where I will put all of my favorite arguments on Facebook. Hahaha.

New Year's Resolutions Predicted

As we make this transition into a new year, it is important to remember two things for New Year's Eve:
 -This 'holiday' has no real relevance in our lives. You can't go inside the bank though.
 -You need a resolution!

I don't know what I want to achieve this year, so instead I tried guessing what some other people's resolutions might be. Here's what I came up with:

Michelle Obama
"No more ribs. Unless Mitt Romney dies, in which case I will have a celebratory ribs feast."

Kim Jong Un
"Go the year without revealing to my country that this holiday exists."

Lady GaGa
"Send LGBT community a 'thank you' card for convincing themselves they liked 'Born This Way.'

Oprah Winfrey
"Hire someone to help me finish this crossword."

Jeff Dunham
"Create another hilarious puppet, and make sure he speaks out against gay marriage."

Rick Perry
"Create another campaign ad that successfully illustrates what an outstanding, moral person I am"

Ron Paul
"Continue my satirical, completely sarcastic campaign for President. Play if off legit."

Stan Lee
"Commit suicide so I can catch up on all that grave-turning I need to do"

Jonah Hill
"Hire a ghost writer for my Twitter account. I can't handle this 'spontaneous humorous thought' bullshit."

Kanye West
"Resolution? Do you know who I am? Oh, I'm responding to my own thought process? I'm the greatest."

My Reaction to Terrible Comments about Jews and Hitler

-"Jews are whiny and miserable"

Ugh. Ok, whatever.

- "Hitler had the right idea" 

BOOOOO.

-"The Holocaust never happened."

This isn't funny. Maybe we should go.

-"Anne Frank was a bitch and she got her shit rocked"

I just don't understand. Where does a comment like that come from?"

-"Jews maybe have the media, but they'll never take Christmas"

I am tempted to stay just to see who is on next.

-"I'm sick of all the Jews and their bagels."

Bagels? Dear Lord, this is rough. If we stay, it's likely to be more of this. After all, it's a weekday open mic in Northeast Philly.

-"Jews have control of all the banks"

While this may be true, it doesn't matter because they let everyone else use them too. But they really don't like it when Arabs use HSBC.

A Personal Appeal (Let me get five bucks, I'll pay you back)

From Bonch Con blog proprietor Dan Vetrano:

You may not know this, but this blog is not currently ranked on any major internet lists! It has an average of 0 views a day. Yet, if everyone reading this donated just five dollars, then it would be more popular and therefore better. More importantly, if you donate, I won't have to ask you to donate anymore.

In a way, this blog is a lot like your own body. You must take care of it or it will die. Don't kill "yourself." You see, the blog represents your body as a temple for the inner tranquility contained within the subconscious realm of your mind. It is an effervescent source of vitality, and could possibly restore youth to those who are willing to ponder it. Doesn't that sound like something you want to donate money to? Yes.

Other blogs have, let's say, 12,102,345 staffers. Wow! That's a lot. Do you know how many we have? I'll give you a clue: there is no "we". It's just me, Dan, asking you to give me 5 dollars because I just proved to you that I have less people to work with than other blogs.

Did you see in that last paragraph how I gave a large number and then compared it to my small number? That was pretty funny, right? This is the kind of avant-garde textual comedy that will perish without your five dollars. 

Advertising is a thing that should exist in the world, but not on this blog. OK, this blog is in the world, true. Let's not play that game. This blog needs money or I will have no option but to place advertisements on it. I bet you'd be sorry then, wouldn't you? It would make browsing this soon-to-be powerhouse for comedy and/or information a real chore. You might even accidentally click on one of the advertisements when you are trying to exit the blog. Confronted by your own humiliation and regret, you will have wished you gave Bonch Con your five dollars.

Did I mention that this is the time of year when people normally donate? That's what late December is to most Americans. It's the time of year when everyone comes together and donates their five dollars to Bonch Con. Please avoid violating this widely recognized sacred tradition. Plus, I'll pay you back. I get paid bi-weekly, but Monday was a holiday, so everything got thrown off.

When I decided to make Bonch Con, lots of people told me how I could exploit the system. There were many Romanian Gypsy-type characters hoping I would use this webpage as a platform to launder money through the power of jest. Also, there were some fancy shmancy lawyers telling me that what I have is special, and that I should be making a profit off of it. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to exploit the people for a simple profit. Which is why you need to give me five dollars. Otherwise, I have no choice but to make a profit.

Please help me reach my weekly goal of having your five dollars. I can totally pay you back, and you know I'm good for it.

Thanks,

-Dan Vetrano

A List Puzzle!

Here's something I was thinking about when I was naked in the shower:

If there was a list of things I don't have, Syphilis would be on it. That's good. However, so would Playstation 3. That's not so good.

If there was a list of things I will have in the next 5 years, it would be more likely that Syphilis is on there than Playstation 3. I'm not having much sex, nor am I licking toilet seats, but I just don't plan on getting a Playstation 3 anytime soon.

So, here's what I am trying to figure out. What list could I think up that might have Playstation 3 at the top and Syphilis at the bottom? Here are a few I thought of, but I would love to hear from all of you!

-Things that would shock me if a doctor found traces of in my blood.

-Things I would prefer Sarah Palin give up public speaking because of

-Topics for Michael Moore's next documentary (although it would be interesting to see him expose the corruption behind the syphilis industry.)

-Things that Sarah M. from high school will have years before I do. (She is still a practicing Christian, but give it time)

-Things I would rather involve myself with than play the computer game Myst




Actually, here is a list of things I would rather do than play Myst:

-Die

-Do homework

-Kill my friends

-Listen to Bjork

-Read books that don't even have pictures

-Get a boner near an old woman, then have her see the boner and ask me about it, and then reply "Well lady, it's this or Myst."

The First Cut is the Deepest

In Germany, two undertakers are attempting to sell coffins to gay people, and have even decorated them with nude males. Take a look: Gay Dead Boners! (Not Really)

It's such a pain in the ass that people are always trying to penetrate the gay market. I appreciate that these guys have the balls to silence the mouths of naysayers, though. In fact, here is what I want on my coffin:

It would be me taking a shit. Below it, it would say, "This place is a dump!" or "I'm dead, and I am also the only one who gives shit!" I guess I just really want an image like that because at the funeral, I want peoples appetites to be ruined. The crying over the casket part is boring, but everyone secretly enjoys the appetizers at the house part. Except for the family. They order all this food and don't even eat a single cracker. The brilliance of my plan, though, is that everyones appetite will be ruined! They will still be nauseuous from an artist's rendereing of their deceased friend/aquaintance defecating. That means leftovers for my family, and they deserve the leftovers! They are the ones that will have ordered the food anyway. FUCK YOU if you are one of those people that shows up to a funeral afterparty (afterparty?) for the free food. You are sick. Don't you realize someone has died, and now you will sit there going, "Oh, these are bay scallops. I like bay scallops! I had a bad experience with sea scallops once, but bay scallops never dissapoint." You are a piece of shit is what you are.