New Year's Resolutions Predicted

As we make this transition into a new year, it is important to remember two things for New Year's Eve:
 -This 'holiday' has no real relevance in our lives. You can't go inside the bank though.
 -You need a resolution!

I don't know what I want to achieve this year, so instead I tried guessing what some other people's resolutions might be. Here's what I came up with:

Michelle Obama
"No more ribs. Unless Mitt Romney dies, in which case I will have a celebratory ribs feast."

Kim Jong Un
"Go the year without revealing to my country that this holiday exists."

Lady GaGa
"Send LGBT community a 'thank you' card for convincing themselves they liked 'Born This Way.'

Oprah Winfrey
"Hire someone to help me finish this crossword."

Jeff Dunham
"Create another hilarious puppet, and make sure he speaks out against gay marriage."

Rick Perry
"Create another campaign ad that successfully illustrates what an outstanding, moral person I am"

Ron Paul
"Continue my satirical, completely sarcastic campaign for President. Play if off legit."

Stan Lee
"Commit suicide so I can catch up on all that grave-turning I need to do"

Jonah Hill
"Hire a ghost writer for my Twitter account. I can't handle this 'spontaneous humorous thought' bullshit."

Kanye West
"Resolution? Do you know who I am? Oh, I'm responding to my own thought process? I'm the greatest."

My Reaction to Terrible Comments about Jews and Hitler

-"Jews are whiny and miserable"

Ugh. Ok, whatever.

- "Hitler had the right idea" 

BOOOOO.

-"The Holocaust never happened."

This isn't funny. Maybe we should go.

-"Anne Frank was a bitch and she got her shit rocked"

I just don't understand. Where does a comment like that come from?"

-"Jews maybe have the media, but they'll never take Christmas"

I am tempted to stay just to see who is on next.

-"I'm sick of all the Jews and their bagels."

Bagels? Dear Lord, this is rough. If we stay, it's likely to be more of this. After all, it's a weekday open mic in Northeast Philly.

-"Jews have control of all the banks"

While this may be true, it doesn't matter because they let everyone else use them too. But they really don't like it when Arabs use HSBC.

A Personal Appeal (Let me get five bucks, I'll pay you back)

From Bonch Con blog proprietor Dan Vetrano:

You may not know this, but this blog is not currently ranked on any major internet lists! It has an average of 0 views a day. Yet, if everyone reading this donated just five dollars, then it would be more popular and therefore better. More importantly, if you donate, I won't have to ask you to donate anymore.

In a way, this blog is a lot like your own body. You must take care of it or it will die. Don't kill "yourself." You see, the blog represents your body as a temple for the inner tranquility contained within the subconscious realm of your mind. It is an effervescent source of vitality, and could possibly restore youth to those who are willing to ponder it. Doesn't that sound like something you want to donate money to? Yes.

Other blogs have, let's say, 12,102,345 staffers. Wow! That's a lot. Do you know how many we have? I'll give you a clue: there is no "we". It's just me, Dan, asking you to give me 5 dollars because I just proved to you that I have less people to work with than other blogs.

Did you see in that last paragraph how I gave a large number and then compared it to my small number? That was pretty funny, right? This is the kind of avant-garde textual comedy that will perish without your five dollars. 

Advertising is a thing that should exist in the world, but not on this blog. OK, this blog is in the world, true. Let's not play that game. This blog needs money or I will have no option but to place advertisements on it. I bet you'd be sorry then, wouldn't you? It would make browsing this soon-to-be powerhouse for comedy and/or information a real chore. You might even accidentally click on one of the advertisements when you are trying to exit the blog. Confronted by your own humiliation and regret, you will have wished you gave Bonch Con your five dollars.

Did I mention that this is the time of year when people normally donate? That's what late December is to most Americans. It's the time of year when everyone comes together and donates their five dollars to Bonch Con. Please avoid violating this widely recognized sacred tradition. Plus, I'll pay you back. I get paid bi-weekly, but Monday was a holiday, so everything got thrown off.

When I decided to make Bonch Con, lots of people told me how I could exploit the system. There were many Romanian Gypsy-type characters hoping I would use this webpage as a platform to launder money through the power of jest. Also, there were some fancy shmancy lawyers telling me that what I have is special, and that I should be making a profit off of it. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to exploit the people for a simple profit. Which is why you need to give me five dollars. Otherwise, I have no choice but to make a profit.

Please help me reach my weekly goal of having your five dollars. I can totally pay you back, and you know I'm good for it.

Thanks,

-Dan Vetrano