New Year's Resolutions Predicted

As we make this transition into a new year, it is important to remember two things for New Year's Eve:
 -This 'holiday' has no real relevance in our lives. You can't go inside the bank though.
 -You need a resolution!

I don't know what I want to achieve this year, so instead I tried guessing what some other people's resolutions might be. Here's what I came up with:

Michelle Obama
"No more ribs. Unless Mitt Romney dies, in which case I will have a celebratory ribs feast."

Kim Jong Un
"Go the year without revealing to my country that this holiday exists."

Lady GaGa
"Send LGBT community a 'thank you' card for convincing themselves they liked 'Born This Way.'

Oprah Winfrey
"Hire someone to help me finish this crossword."

Jeff Dunham
"Create another hilarious puppet, and make sure he speaks out against gay marriage."

Rick Perry
"Create another campaign ad that successfully illustrates what an outstanding, moral person I am"

Ron Paul
"Continue my satirical, completely sarcastic campaign for President. Play if off legit."

Stan Lee
"Commit suicide so I can catch up on all that grave-turning I need to do"

Jonah Hill
"Hire a ghost writer for my Twitter account. I can't handle this 'spontaneous humorous thought' bullshit."

Kanye West
"Resolution? Do you know who I am? Oh, I'm responding to my own thought process? I'm the greatest."